The circumstances of Dad's death make it difficult to process. I don't know that you can rate these sorts of things, but the process portion of Mom's death was easier. You could take a snapshot of any portion of her life and see God's plan. Everyone watched her struggles, everyone saw her fight. Dad's fight was not so obvious.
It's easy to pass judgment. It's so much simpler to think he was a depressed man, wallowing in self-pity who committed a selfish and cowardly act. Those thoughts fit in a neat little box of anger that can be stored away in for eternity. But that wasn't the case at all. Life doesn't always fit in a neat little box.
Dad was not depressed. Throughout his entire life I cannot recall a moment he felt sorry for himself. He was a hard worker. I can remember times in his life when he had been laid off or the company he was working for had shut down. He never sat around collecting unemployment. He always found work and provided for us. Dad was not selfish. He loved his family and his friends very much and did what he could when we were in need.
But he was a coward. He was afraid of being a burden. He was afraid of his troubles effecting the lives of my brother and me. He was afraid. He had been strong his entire life and never learned how to be weak. He was afraid of becoming something else. He loved us so much and he knew that we loved him. He knew we'd be there for him no matter what. That's what he was afraid of.
It doesn't make it right. It doesn't make it okay. My dad was a very intelligent man, but this time he was wrong. I don't agree with him and I don't condone his actions.
As hard as this is to say: I understand. Not with my own mind, but knowing his. He was acting out of love for us and did what he believed was best for his family and his friends. He made his wishes clear and took comfort in knowing that PJ and I had wonderful lives.
I thank The Lord for giving me a dad that I will miss so much.
You are an amazing, bright wonderful woman. Your parents raised a wonderful, insight, caring daughter. I feel blessed to have you in my life.
ReplyDeleteJanelle I have only met you and your brother only a few times and I know that your dad was so proud of you both as you are hard workers and could take care of your family so he felt he had done a good job of rasing you both...He loved his children and his grandchildren...He always told me that if he was unable to take care of his self like his father that he would go to the railroad tracks with a lawn chair, good book and a bottle of Jack but I did not believe he would do this as he love life..so there had to something really wrong for him to do this...I think having a strong dad like he had to watch him to have to be taken care of by his mom was really hard on my cousin Doug (Ken)....I pray that god will forgive him and take him into his arms and join him with his mom and wife in heaven. I love you....
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