I didn't participate in the Relay for Life last year because it just felt like it was "too soon." (For those who don't know the Relay for Life is an 18 hour walking relay to raise money for the fight against Cancer.) It wasn't yet a year since mom had passed and though I popped in for a couple of hours, I avoided being there for the Survivor's Lap.
This year, I signed up to walk. I HATE fund raising. HATE it. But I do believe in this cause, so it makes it a little easier. I feel as if I'm bothering people, but I guess if annoying people saves someone's mom, then let the people be annoyed. :)
But I expected these feelings. I expected to miss my mom. I DIDN'T expect to be scared. I didn't expect to find that Ovarian Cancer runs so strongly in my family. My great-grandmother, my grandmother, my grandmother's sister and my mother all had Ovarian Cancer. Needless to say, this news leaves me a little shaken.
So I've cried, I've prayed, I've called Ben... now I'm blogging, so I'm okay. I'm not sure if this something I wanted to know. But I can't unread it, so it is what it is. I live a pretty healthy lifestyle, so the rest is out of my hands.
This is where I remember that no one has a long-life guarantee. This is where I'm supposed to tell myself to "live each day like it's my last" and "don't leave things unsaid" and the million other "seize the day" cliches.
...but I don't have to. Because this is when I realize that I already do. THAT is a wonderful feeling. That's the kind of feeling that trumps all fear of cancer and death. I love who I am. I love my life. My head may plan for the future, but my heart lives in the today.
Like I said, it's all out of my hands. My life is in God's hands, and that's a much better place to be.
